i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
