She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
