were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
