Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
