WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
