i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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