I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
