Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
