Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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