So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
