the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
