its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
