He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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