I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
