When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
