If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
