I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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