I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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