Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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