i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just made my gag reflex go away.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
