i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
