I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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