were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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