I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
