I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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