Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
