i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
