I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
