It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
