all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
