On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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