all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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