Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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