I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
