the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
