Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
tell me about the eggs
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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