It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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