wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
