i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
