I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
