Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
