Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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