Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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