youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
