Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the day after is always just damage control
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
