By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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