So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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