Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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