I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize