There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
