I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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