Dual....:-)
Soap is not a condiment
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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