My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he thought i was a dude.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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