just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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