I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
