Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
