We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
