i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize